Sunday, May 31, 2015

Fear Without Answers

   I woke up angry this morning. I’m not sure why, but at any given moment, I could go one of two ways- tears, or loud outbursts of yelling.
   It's probably bad to be writing to you in such a state. It's probably also bad to be sitting in this empty parking lot on a Sunday morning. If I never mail this letter, than you'll know it’s because I left my laptop here and ran away from a goon.
  So here I am, and I promised you a letter about my Mom’s scary experiences.
  Ha. Ha.

  At the time I interviewed her, three weeks ago, she said her scariest experience was when she nearly drowned in the lake. She and my Dad were out enjoying the water. She lay on a floating raft,and he swam around in the water. Suddenly, he had this hair-brained idea to join her on the raft. And I guess he popped it, because they both sank. Mom didn’t know how to swim, so she wrapped her arms around Dad’s neck and choked the life out of him.
  In case you just laughed at that statement, know this, you shouldn't kill the person whom you are depending on to save you…
  So anyway, one of their friends finally saw them and threw a lifesaver out into the water.
  Long story short: They nearly drowned, but ‘by the grace of God one of our friends saw us and thought quickly enough to help.’

  My Grandma’s story was similar. She was out playing by the river when she was about 9. She and her cousins threw an inner-tube back and forth for fun. In an attempt to catch the inner-tube, she fell into the river. Fighting hard to save herself and digging into the river bank, she finally made it back to the shore. Funny thing was, she said, “I could’ve stood up at any time. It wasn’t deep at all.”
  Nearly drowning is a scary experience, whether you truly are drowning, or whether you just think you are.
   And that leads me to today. My Mom’s new scary experience.
  About a month ago, she stepped on a tack and injured her foot. For weeks she hasn’t been able to put her foot down on the ground. Somehow, I guess when she jerked away from the tack, she pinched a nerve.
    Parts of her body went numb.
    She started having this bizarre burning feeling all over.
    Her joints hurt.
    She felt constantly exhausted, and jittery.
  And finally, she started having tremors.
  I walked into her room a few nights ago, to see if she needed anything, and found that her legs were jumping off the bed and coming in toward her stomach.
I knew immediately what was wrong, because I had been through the same thing before.
She shook inside so hard it took her breath away. I kept hearing her gasp.
  I ran to her side, “Mom, are you ok?”
  “I-I-I c-c-can’t- st-st-stop shhhhhhhaking.”
  It was weird. Seeing it, rather than experiencing it, was like deja-vu. My heart sped up. I breathed rapidly. But I tried to remain calm, even as tears formed in my eyes.
  “Ok, Mom,” I said, “You need to roll over onto your side.”
  Her legs jumped and twitched of their own accord. “I-I-I’ll t-t-try.”
  When she finally rolled over, the tremors lessened a little. I grabbed an ice pack from the freezer and held it to her spine, rubbing it up and down in a soothing manner.
  But the shaking didn’t stop.
  I gave her some food, thinking maybe her sugar was low.
  The shaking still didn’t stop.
  Finally, I called my Dad. He left work and came home to take her to the ER.
  She didn’t want to go. My Mom hates going to the doctor.
  At the ER, the nurse had difficulties putting in an IV. She also had trouble drawing blood, but probably because she went in at the wrong angle…
  Finally, a doctor came to see my Mom with the results of her blood work. Her sodium was low. They gave her some sodium-chloride, and a little while later, she came home.
  It was 3:45am when she and dad pulled in the driveway.
  To my surprise, she walked in with a steady gait, no shaking; no tremors. She told me what the doctor had found. I said, “Oh good.” And thought it was over.
  But it got worse. The next day, she was at it again.
  And the day after that- same.
  I came into her room to talk to her and she cried. “I don’t know what’s wrong! What if it’s something serious?”
  On top of that, we haven’t yet found a good doctor. I won’t go into all the details, but anyone who has had experience with silly doctors will know what I’m talking about.
  She was at the Emergency Room again last night.
  And I stayed up until they got home.
  This time? It was reverse hiccups, retract—— something hiccups. I forgot.

     There aren't any solid answers at the moment.
     But something weird is wrong. What is it? All of these crazy names are going around,
     Lyme Disease,
     Addison's Disease,
     Unknown scary stuff....
     Or it could be something simple, like an electrolyte deficiency.

   With all of these questions circling around in my head, a thought comes into my mind on replay, "What is God's plan in all of this? Why can't my Mom get better?"

  This afternoon, while writing this letter, I took a break to read my Bible and seek God's face. Thank God for His Word.
  John chapter 9 opens, "And as Jesus passed by, he saw a man which was blind from birth. And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?
   Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be manifest in him."
  John chapter 11 opens, "Now a certain man was sick, named Lazarus of Bethany, the town of Mary and her sister Martha...(Lazarus was their brother)...Therefore, the sisters sent unto him, saying, Lord, behold, he whom thou lovest is sick.
 When Jesus heard that, he said, This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God might be glorified thereby."

  Jesus healed the blind man, but He allowed Lazarus to die.      
       To bring glory to God.
  After Lazarus died, Jesus went to Bethany and raised him from the dead. Many people believed on His name, and in turn, He actually started the ball rolling toward His crucifixion. (Not that the Pharisees didn't already hate him, but if you look at chapter 11, verses 45-52, they decided to kill Him because of this miracle.)
  Reader, I am marveling in the fact that GOD HAS A PLAN. He can take a horrible situation and cause something good to come from it- specifically to glorify His name. Satan seems to say, "A-ha! I've got you this time, God! LOLOL!" And God waits for the right moment to turn it around. I'm sure when Satan saw the resurrection of Lazarus, he put it into the hearts of the Pharisees, "Hey, you have to get rid of this Jesus! He's ruining all of my plans!"
  I find it interesting to note also that the Pharisees and leaders not only wanted to kill Jesus, but LAZARUS TOO! People came to the feast of Passover to see Lazarus for themselves, to see if he really was alive like everyone was saying. The Pharisees were like, We need to kill this man so no one sees him alive and decides to believe in Jesus! (See 12:9-11 if you don't believe me. I'm surprised I never noticed that until today!)

   I'm scared, Reader. What will happen to my Mom? Will she be ok?
   I'm angry. The doctors aren't being very accommodating. I feel like they have zero compassion!
   And while I know that God's Word is truth, and He has a plan, I have to trust Him.
     Trust Him.
       Easier said then done.
     BUT, I know the Truth, and that's a good foot forward. 
 "And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."

  Do you have the same trouble?

    Until next time,
    God bless you and give you grace; May He guide you in His truth, and help you trust Him!

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